can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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