At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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