I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
