I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
