I accidentally had phone sex last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
