I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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