I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
