Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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