it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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