someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
