There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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