no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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