I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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