I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
