yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
