she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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