dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
