Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
