She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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