They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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