did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
