we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize