Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
