i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
