This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I enjoy the company of your penis
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