Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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