I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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