i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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