I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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