I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize