I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
