Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
