so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
