Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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