Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
