I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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