wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize