I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
