Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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