I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
