It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
