i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
