Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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