Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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