I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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