Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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