well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
