i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
