You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
