Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
