Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
