it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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