I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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