I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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