Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
