I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
