She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
