In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
