i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
