we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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