Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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