look no pants
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
