I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
