I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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