I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize