What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You ruined the universe
Randomize
